The Love That Prunes: Embracing the Seasons of Growth

As spring arrived, I stood on my front porch, trying to remember what my friend had taught me and overthinking how to prune the rose bushes around my home. I trimmed away dead branches and shaped them for new growth, a task that always makes me think of the cycles of life and growth. Pruning, though it may feel harsh, is necessary for healthy development. Without it, plants become tangled, stagnant, and unable to thrive. The process feels like loss, cutting away parts that once flourished, but it’s not just spring’s arrival that makes it necessary. The changing seasons, summer's season of growth and flourishing, fall’s shedding of leaves, and winter’s period of rest prepare the ground for new growth in the spring. Each season plays a vital role, setting the stage for the flourishing that’s to come. As I pruned, I reflected on how these seasons, and the pruning within them, mirrored deeper truths in my own life.

In today’s culture, we often equate love with comfort and acceptance. We hear, “God is love, so just accept everyone as they are.” But this definition of love feels incomplete. True love, especially the love of God, doesn’t leave us where we are. It refines and transforms us. It’s not always soft or easy. God’s love often comes in the form of pruning, cutting away what no longer serves us so we can grow into who He created us to be. It’s not about staying cozy; it’s about being shaped for something greater, something eternal.

The Seasons of Pruning

In John 15:1-2, Jesus says, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” These verses offer a profound truth: pruning is an essential part of growth. It challenges our cultural understanding of love, which often focuses only on comfort and peace. But the love Jesus describes doesn’t shy away from what’s necessary for true growth, it engages in the refining work of pruning.

Pruning is not punishment, it’s preparation. As I cut away dead branches from my roses, I’m making space for new growth. God’s pruning works the same way in our lives. Sometimes, it means cutting away distractions, unhealthy relationships, or sinful patterns that may seem harmless but are ultimately hindering our growth. But how do we recognize what needs to be pruned? This is where God, in His wisdom, speaks to us—through Scripture, prayer, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

When we spend time in His Word, He reveals the areas in our lives that have become tangled, stagnant, or overgrown with distractions. Prayer becomes a space where we seek His discernment, asking Him to show us what is no longer serving His purpose. The Holy Spirit gently convicts and redirects us, illuminating unhealthy attachments, attitudes, beliefs, or misplaced priorities that we may not have noticed on our own.

Sometimes, the pruning is obvious, sinful habits or relationships that pull us away from Him. Other times, it’s more subtle, things that are good but not best. Like a rose bush with too many healthy branches crowding out new growth, we may hold onto commitments, identities, or desires that prevent us from stepping fully into His purpose. Recognizing these requires humility and trust, believing that even when God asks us to let go, it’s always for something greater.

Embracing the Necessary Seasons of Change

When I prune my roses, I sometimes question why I’m cutting away a healthy-looking branch. It seems perfectly fine to me. Yet, my friend reminds me that even healthy branches can steal energy, block sunlight, or crowd out new growth. This is where God’s timing becomes so important. There are times when what seems good in our lives can actually prevent us from flourishing. The process of pruning can feel like loss, but it’s God’s loving hand guiding us toward more, more life, more growth, more fruit.

The seasons of life can feel similarly unsettling. There are seasons when we’re asked to let go of things we hold close, such as certain beliefs, identities, relationships, habits, or even dreams that once defined us. In those seasons, it’s easy to resist, to wonder why a loving God would ask us to give up something that seems good. But like the rose bush, we need the pruning to make space for what’s better—what needs to be corrected, refined, and aligned with His will—what’s eternal. God’s love works through these changes, reshaping us to become more of what He intended all along.

Ephesians 4:22-24 says, "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

A Season for Every Purpose

The changing of seasons is a natural, necessary part of life. As we walk through life’s seasons, we often encounter moments of growth, rest, pruning, and fruitfulness. These shifts remind us that God is always at work, actively shaping us according to His will. Philippians 1:6 offers encouragement in this truth: "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." God is not idle during the changing seasons. Every season has a purpose, whether we understand it at the time or not.

Pruning can often be the most painful when we don’t understand the purpose behind it. It takes faith to trust that God’s plan for us is unfolding, even when we can't yet see the full picture. Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." In those moments of uncertainty, we may not immediately know why certain things are being removed or changed, but by faith, we trust that each season and each change is necessary for our growth. Just as winter prepares the earth to receive the renewal of spring, so too do the challenging seasons in our lives prepare us for the flourishing to come.

Are You Ready for the Pruning?

The fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, grows in us when we allow God to prune what is not of Him. Just as my roses need cuts and nurturing soil to thrive, we need God's refining work to bear fruit in our lives. Pruning may be uncomfortable and often painful, but it’s necessary for the abundant life He promises.

What is God asking you to surrender today? Is there something that might be holding you back from the growth He desires for you? It's natural to want control over the things in our lives, especially those that are familiar or tied to our identity. We often cling to what feels safe or comfortable because it gives us a sense of stability. But sometimes, these things may prevent us from stepping into the full potential God has for us. In those moments, it can be a reminder to trust that God's plans, even when they require us to let go, are ultimately better than what we can see or understand in the present. Surrendering to His refining work may feel difficult, but it allows us to experience a deeper growth and freedom in Him.

When we resist God’s pruning, we limit what He can do in us. Surrendering control isn’t about losing something, it’s about gaining something far more valuable: a deeper relationship with God and the transformation He promises. The shears may feel sharp, but the fruit and blossoms that follow are worth it. Trusting God with the seasons of change is an act of faith, choosing to believe that He sees the bigger picture, even when we can’t fully understand it.

Are you willing to trust Him, even when it feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar? Are you ready to surrender and let Him prune you for the greater purpose He has planned?

www.sandraleecounseling.com

The Art of Communication: Honoring the Body of Christ

Communication is one of the most powerful tools we possess. It can build bridges or tear them down, foster understanding or create division. In today’s world, communication often feels like a battle to be won. We see it in political debates, social media arguments, and even personal relationships, each person striving to prove their point, to be heard, to win. But what if communication wasn’t about winning? What if, instead of trying to assert dominance, we sought to untangle misunderstandings and truly listen to one another?

Why Communication is Essential in Christian Counseling

In my counseling practice, I emphasize communication heavily because it is foundational to both deep healing and relational restoration. Many individuals and couples seek counseling because they feel unheard, misunderstood, or unable to express their needs effectively. Communication breakdowns can lead to anxiety, resentment, and isolation, whereas healthy communication fosters connection, trust, and emotional security.

From the beginning, God has demonstrated the significance of communication. Genesis 1 shows that God spoke creation into existence, underscoring the power of words to shape reality. John 1:1 tells us, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." Jesus, as the living Word, embodies the very essence of truth and revelation. Hebrews 1:1-2 and John 14:26 remind us that God has always communicated with humanity, first through the prophets in the Old Testament, then through Jesus to His disciples, and now through the Holy Spirit and Scripture. If God chose to reveal Himself through His Word, then how we use our words becomes deeply important. Our ability to communicate reflects not only our relationships with others but also our relationship with God.

Communication as a Reflection of the Body of Christ

This blog post was inspired by listening to a podcast by Jefferson Fisher, a trial lawyer, and the Bible study Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and Claude King. Fisher describes communication not as a means to dominate a conversation but as a way to engage with curiosity, to learn about the other person rather than simply refuting them. This perspective aligns beautifully with 1 Corinthians 12, where Paul reminds us that we are all part of one body, each with different gifts and perspectives. If we are to function as the body of Christ, our goal in communication must shift from conquering to connecting, from arguing to honoring.

Jesus is the perfect model of this balance. He engaged in conversation with others in ways that invited understanding rather than creating barriers. His dialogue with the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4) is a striking example. Instead of condemning her past or arguing theology, Jesus met her where she was, asked thoughtful questions, and spoke truth with grace. His approach didn’t dismiss sin, but it also didn’t use truth as a weapon. Instead, His words led to conviction, healing, and transformation.

Dr. Gary Chapman, in his Focus on the Family podcast, points out how we tend to focus on what is wrong rather than on what is right. He uses the analogy of counterfeit money. Rather than studying counterfeits, experts focus on the real thing so they can recognize falsehoods when they arise. Likewise, in communication, if we fixate on what is wrong with the other person’s argument, we miss the opportunity to recognize what is good and true in the conversation. This concept aligns with Philippians 4:8, which calls us to dwell on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and commendable. When we stop discrediting each other and instead focus on what is good, we foster healthier, more Christ-centered dialogue.

The Role of Communication in Healing

One of the greatest barriers to healing in relationships and personal growth is the inability to communicate emotions, needs, and struggles effectively. In my counseling sessions, I often see how unspoken wounds and unresolved conflicts create walls between individuals. Many people hesitate to communicate out of fear—fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstood, or fear of conflict. However, suppressing emotions does not make them disappear; rather, it often leads to resentment and further emotional distress.

On the other hand, some individuals impose their thoughts and feelings on others, almost demanding to be understood while failing to extend the same courtesy. This approach can be just as damaging as it dismisses the other person's perspective and creates an environment of pressure rather than mutual understanding. Healthy communication requires balance, both the courage to express oneself honestly and the humility to listen without forcing agreement.

Proverbs 18:2 warns, "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion." This verse reflects the communication breakdown we see so frequently today, not just in heated debates or online arguments, but in our everyday conversations with loved ones, friends, and colleagues. How often do we find ourselves waiting for our turn to speak rather than truly listening? How many times do we rush to defend our stance instead of seeking to understand the heart behind someone else’s words? We are all guilty of this at times, allowing pride or impatience to take precedence over connection.

In contrast, James 1:19 gives us a biblical model for healthy communication: "Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." This passage reminds us that true wisdom is found in pausing, listening, and approaching conversations with humility rather than self-interest.

The Science of Effective Communication

Evidence-based studies on communication support this biblical model. Research in psychology and conflict resolution highlights that people are more likely to engage in meaningful dialogue when they feel heard and respected.

Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on relationships, emphasizes that healthy communication is not about attacking or defending but about understanding. His studies show that couples who practice active listening, where one person listens to understand rather than to respond, experience stronger, more lasting relationships. This aligns with Proverbs 15:1, which states, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Similarly, in professional and social settings, negotiation expert William Ury advocates for what he calls the “third side” approach, where instead of seeing only our perspective or theirs, we step back and look at the bigger picture. This aligns with Philippians 2:4, which instructs us to, "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Practical Ways to Communicate with Honor

If we desire to communicate in a way that reflects the unity of the body of Christ, we must cultivate habits that honor others in conversation. Here are some key principles to practice:

• Seek First to Understand – Before responding, ask clarifying questions. “Help me understand your perspective” opens the door to dialogue rather than debate.

• Listen with Curiosity, Not Judgment – Approach conversations with a genuine interest in the other person’s experiences and views.

• Detach from the Need to Win – Instead of aiming to “win” an argument, focus on building a relationship.

• Focus on What Is Good – Like recognizing real currency instead of obsessing over counterfeits, seek out the truth and value in what the other person is saying rather than fixating on their flaws.

• Use Words that Build Up – "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear" (Ephesians 4:29).

• Recognize When to Let Go – Not every disagreement needs a resolution. Sometimes, honoring someone means allowing differences to remain while maintaining love and respect.

Communicating with Christlike Love

As members of the body of Christ, our words should reflect our commitment to love, humility, and unity. Communication is not a battleground but a sacred space where we honor one another as God designed. When we speak with the goal of untangling misunderstandings rather than proving points, we embody the wisdom of 1 Corinthians 12, recognizing that each person plays a vital role in God’s design.

As you reflect on your own conversations, where can you shift from proving a point to truly listening? What steps can you take to foster meaningful, Christ-honoring dialogue in your daily interactions? Psalm 139:23-24 provides a powerful prayer for this reflection: "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

May our communication reflect the heart of Christ, bringing light, truth, and grace into every conversation.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

Godly Marriage: Seeking God’s Design Over Human Understanding

In a culture that thrives on division, the debate between complementarian and egalitarian marriage has become another battleground where people seek to convince rather than understand. I felt convicted to write about this as I noticed how these discussions often fall into an all-or-nothing mindset, mirroring the black-and-white thinking that plagues modern discourse. Rather than humbling ourselves before God’s wisdom, we seek absolute right and wrong within human-made categories. As I prayed and meditated on Isaiah 55:6-11, I was reminded that God's thoughts are higher than ours, His ways beyond our comprehension. If we truly desire a marriage that reflects His design, we must stay centered in His Word with humility, rather than forcing Scripture into ideological frameworks.

The conversation surrounding marriage in Christian circles often falls into two opposing camps: complementarian and egalitarian. Each side claims biblical support, presenting a framework for how husbands and wives should function in marriage. Complementarianism asserts that men and women have distinct but complementary roles, with the husband as the leader and the wife as the submissive helper. Egalitarianism, on the other hand, emphasizes equal partnership, where both husband and wife share authority and responsibilities equally. At first glance, both perspectives seem to hold biblical merit when viewed in isolation. However, these categories are ultimately human constructs that oversimplify the profound mystery of marriage that God designed.

This dichotomy mirrors the black-and-white thinking that dominates today’s culture—the tendency to see issues as either one extreme or the other. While clarity is valuable, this all-or-nothing approach often leads to division, missing the fullness of God's design. Rather than aligning ourselves with a system crafted by human interpretation, we must return to Scripture itself to understand what God intends for marriage.

The Original Design: Adam and Eve in Divine Hierarchy

To grasp God’s vision for marriage, we must go back to the beginning—before sin entered the world. In Genesis 1:27, we see that God created both male and female in His image, giving them joint dominion over creation (Genesis 1:28). However, within this unity, there was a divine order, reflecting God Himself. Just as there is hierarchy within the Trinity—God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit operating in perfect harmony—marriage was designed with a structure that mirrors this divine relationship.

Adam was created first and given the responsibility of tending to the garden (Genesis 2:15-17) before Eve was formed from his side to be his indispensable helper (Genesis 2:18-22). This was not a relationship of dominance but of divine order—Adam as the head, with Eve as his perfect counterpart, working in seamless unity. The fall distorted this order, introducing the struggle for power and brokenness between men and women (Genesis 3:16). The curse was not the divine design, but rather the tragic consequence of sin.

Ephesians 5: Restoring the Divine Order Through Christ

Paul’s words in Ephesians 5 are often misinterpreted to justify one of these two perspectives. Complementarians emphasize verse 22—“Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord”—while egalitarians focus on verse 21—“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Both camps cherry-pick parts of this passage to support their position, missing the full picture of what Paul is saying.

Ephesians 5:25-28 shifts the focus onto husbands: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This love is not domineering but sacrificial. Jesus, the ultimate authority, demonstrated leadership not by demanding service but by serving—washing the feet of His disciples, taking on the shame of the cross. Just as Christ submits to the Father while remaining fully God, a wife’s submission does not equate to inferiority, and a husband’s leadership is not a license for control. It is a call to reflect the divine hierarchy—not corrupted by sin, but restored through Christ.

However, it is also crucial to understand why the husband’s leadership matters. Scripture consistently presents the husband as the head of the household (1 Corinthians 11:3), not as a tyrant but as a reflection of Christ’s headship over the Church. Leadership in a biblical sense is not about power or privilege but about responsibility. A husband is called to lead his wife and family in spiritual growth, to provide, protect, and cultivate an environment where his wife and children can flourish. Just as Christ’s leadership of the Church is marked by sacrifice and servanthood, a husband’s leadership should be characterized by humility and selflessness. This is why Paul’s instructions to husbands are weighty—he is not calling them to a position of dominance but to one of profound responsibility and accountability before God.

When a husband leads as Christ leads the Church, it creates an environment where a wife can joyfully follow his lead—not out of obligation, but out of trust and love. This is not forced submission but a willing response to godly leadership. Likewise, the wife’s role as a helper is not passive; it is active, strong, and essential. Eve was created as a “helper suitable” (Genesis 2:18), a term that in Hebrew ('ezer) is often used to describe God as our helper, ally, and rescuer. This is a role of strength, not weakness.

Human Nature and the Need for Leadership

If, essentially, the husband is called to be last and to serve his wife and children, then why is leadership still important? Human social psychology teaches us that, in the absence of a clear leader, chaos often ensues. Research in this area highlights how groups, communities, and even nations function more effectively when leadership is clearly defined. When there is no leadership, or when authority is ambiguous, individuals tend to vie for control, creating instability. In extreme cases, such as anarchy, social order breaks down entirely. Without a clear leader to guide decisions, human nature often leads to a struggle for dominance, which results in confusion, conflict, and division.

In marriage, leadership is not only necessary but vital. Just as societies and groups benefit from clear authority to guide them, so does a marriage thrive under the leadership of a godly husband. When the husband leads as Christ leads—sacrificially and selflessly—it creates a sense of stability and direction. A wife, secure in her husband's leadership, is more able to trust and support him in the unique roles they both occupy. The lack of leadership in a marriage can lead to confusion, resentment, and unmet needs, much like the social disorder that arises when leadership is unclear. In God's design, the husband’s leadership provides a stabilizing force that helps the couple move forward in unity and purpose, fulfilling their roles as co-heirs of God’s kingdom.

How Sin Distorts God’s Purpose

One of the most dangerous aspects of human nature is the tendency to use Scripture to justify sin and selfish desires. Throughout history, sinful people have twisted God’s Word to maintain control, justify abuse, and fuel division. In 2 Peter 3:16, Peter warns that there are "some things in [Paul’s letters] that are hard to understand, which the ignorant and unstable distort, as they do the other Scriptures, to their own destruction." This distortion isn’t a modern phenomenon—it has been happening for centuries. People manipulate Scripture to reinforce their agendas, whether to control others, justify behavior, or divide the body of Christ. Some have used complementarian views to suppress women, while others have used egalitarian arguments to erase the beauty of distinctiveness between men and women.

Similarly, in 2 Timothy 4:3, Paul writes, “The time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear." This warning speaks directly to the selective and self-serving use of Scripture, where individuals and groups twist God’s Word to align with their preferences and desires, rather than submitting to the truth. In this environment, people can find and elevate teachers who reinforce their preexisting beliefs, rather than seeking the full counsel of God’s Word.

In the case of marriage, we can see how this selective interpretation plays out. Some use a complementarian approach to assert male dominance, twisting Scripture to suppress women’s voices or roles in the home and church. On the other side, some interpret egalitarianism to minimize or overlook the complementary roles designed by God, assuming equality means interchangeable roles rather than unique and distinct purposes within the marriage dynamic. Both extremes are examples of how sin distorts the heart of marriage—the unity, sacrificial love, and partnership designed to mirror Christ’s relationship with His bride, the Church.

However, when we take Scripture in its full context, cohesively from front to back, we see that marriage is not about power but about reflecting Christ and the Church. 2 Timothy 4:2 urges believers to "preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction." This encourages a posture of humility and wisdom when engaging with Scripture, as we strive to let God’s truth transform our understanding rather than attempting to reshape it to fit our preferences. When we read Scripture in its entirety and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we are led back to the original design for marriage—unity, love, and self-giving sacrifice, not control, oppression, or division.

Paul isn’t calling for a rigid system of roles but for a restoration of what was lost in Eden. He’s calling husbands and wives to return to unity, to self-giving love, and to a partnership that mirrors the relationship between Christ and His bride, while honoring the divine structure God established.

Returning to God’s Blueprint

Rather than getting caught in the human-made battle of complementarianism vs. egalitarianism, we must ask a deeper question: Are we seeking to model our marriages after human ideologies or after God’s perfect design? Scripture provides a holistic view of marriage—one that neither erases differences nor enforces power struggles. Instead, it calls us to love, to serve, to forgive, to unite, to restore, and to reflect Christ in our relationships.

God’s plan was never about inflexible structures or power dynamics. It was always about unity, love, and self-sacrificial service within the divine order He established. When we strip away cultural debates and return to Scripture, we find a marriage model that is not defined by human labels but by divine love and purpose.

An Encouragement to Center Your Marriage on God’s Word

As we seek to understand and live out God’s design for marriage, it’s crucial to remember that the foundation of our relationships must be built on God’s Word. As 2 Timothy 3:16-17 reminds us: “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” This includes how we live in our marriages. Without the Word as our guide, we risk being swept away by the world’s ideologies and the noise of our own desires.

If you want to cultivate a deeper, more intimate relationship with God, I encourage you to set aside intentional time to read and reflect on His Word. Prayerfully seek understanding and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal His truths to you. When you make spending time with God through Scripture and prayer the center of your life, it transforms your heart, your relationships, and your marriage.

A great resource to help you engage with Scripture consistently is The Bible Recap. This tool offers a daily plan for reading through the Bible with thoughtful summaries and reflections, helping you grow in your relationship with God through His Word. I pray that you will find joy in discovering the depth of God’s wisdom and in living out His divine design for marriage.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

The Armor of God: Fighting the Real Enemy in Your Marriage, Not Each Other

[Disclaimer: This blogpost is intended for those who frequently find themselves trapped in unproductive, unhealthy relationship patterns and are eager to break the cycle. Before proceeding, I want to clarify that I did not write this with the intent to address or reference any form of *abusive behavior.]

Marriage is one of the most profound relationships we experience, but it can also be one of the most challenging. It’s easy to fall into the trap of seeing your spouse as the enemy, especially when conflicts arise or when you feel misunderstood or unappreciated. However, it’s important to remember that our struggle is "not against flesh and blood" (Ephesians 6:12). The real enemy isn’t your spouse, but the spiritual forces that seek to create division and strife in your relationship:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people (Ephesians 6:10-18 NIV).

The Apostle Paul, in this letter to the Ephesians, warns us about these spiritual forces and urges us to put on the "full armor of God" to stand firm against their schemes. This armor is not just a metaphor; it’s a practical guide for protecting and strengthening your marriage against the attacks that can tear it apart.

Understanding Spiritual Warfare in Marriage

Before diving into the specifics of the armor, it’s important to recognize how spiritual warfare often manifests in marriage:

Seeing Your Spouse as the Enemy:
In moments of conflict, it’s easy to view your spouse as the source of your frustration or pain. Whether it’s a disagreement about finances, parenting, or unmet expectations, these conflicts can make it feel like you’re on opposite sides. But remember, the real enemy is not your spouse; the struggle is against spiritual forces that seek to create division and misunderstanding between you.

Struggling with Insecurity and Pride:
Feelings of inadequacy or fear of rejection can create barriers in communication and intimacy. The enemy often attacks our sense of self-worth, making us more susceptible to mistrust, resentment, and withdrawal in our marriage. Insecurity might lead to hypervigilance, where one spouse becomes overly sensitive and constantly on guard, perceiving innocent comments or actions as personal attacks. On the other hand, pride can prevent us from admitting when we’re wrong or from showing vulnerability, leading to defensiveness and a lack of genuine connection. Both insecurity and pride are tools the enemy uses to create division and prevent couples from experiencing the deep intimacy that God intends for marriage.

Letting Outside Stressors Impact Your Relationship:
Work stress, financial pressures, and other external challenges can easily spill over into your marriage, leading to increased tension and conflict. The enemy can use these stressors to create cracks in your relationship, turning minor disagreements into major battles. Even Jesus was tempted by the enemy when He was hungry and tired (Matthew 4:1-11, Luke 4:1-13), showing that in times of physical and emotional strain, we are more susceptible to attacks. Just as Jesus faced temptation during these challenging moments, we too can find ourselves more vulnerable to conflict and division when we’re under stress or feeling overwhelmed.

Equipping Your Marriage with the Armor of God

The spiritual armor described in Ephesians 6 provides practical ways to protect and strengthen your marriage:

1. The Belt of Truth:

• Purpose: The belt is essential for holding the rest of the armor in place. In the same way, truth is foundational to the Christian life. Knowing God's truth is crucial for living a life of integrity and for standing firm against the lies and deceptions of the enemy.

• Application: Ground your marriage in God’s truth. When conflicts arise, remind yourselves of the truth about your love, commitment, and the covenant you’ve made with each other. Knowing and standing firm in God’s truth helps you see each other as teammates, not adversaries.

2. The Breastplate of Righteousness:

• Purpose: The breastplate protects the heart and vital organs. Spiritually, it symbolizes the righteousness that comes from God, which guards our hearts from the enemy’s attacks, such as resentment and condemnation.

• Application: Protect your heart and your marriage by living with integrity and pursuing righteousness together. When tempted to hold onto grudges or act out of selfishness, choose to honor God and each other by making decisions that reflect His righteousness.

3. The Shoes of the Gospel of Peace:

• Purpose: Shoes enable a soldier to move quickly and confidently across rough terrain. Spiritually, these shoes represent the readiness and stability that comes from the gospel of peace.

• Application: Let the peace of Christ guide your interactions. Approach conflicts with a spirit of reconciliation and peace, seeking to understand rather than to win. This peace will help you navigate even the most challenging discussions without allowing them to escalate into full-blown battles.

4. The Shield of Faith:

• Purpose: The shield is used to block and extinguish the fiery arrows of the enemy. Faith, in this context, is trust in God's promises and character, which protects us from the enemy’s lies and attacks.

• Application: Hold up the shield of faith together. Trust in God’s promises for your marriage, even when things are difficult. Faith will help you resist the doubts and fears that can erode your relationship, keeping you united in your trust in God’s plan for your marriage.

5. The Helmet of Salvation:

• Purpose: The helmet protects the head, crucial for both survival and clear thinking. Spiritually, it symbolizes the assurance of salvation, which shields our minds from doubts and the enemy’s efforts to undermine our confidence in God.

• Application: Protect your mind and your marriage by focusing on the salvation you have in Christ. When the enemy tries to sow seeds of doubt or discouragement, remind each other of the security and hope you have in Jesus. This perspective can shift your focus from temporary challenges to eternal truths.

6. The Sword of the Spirit:

• Purpose: The sword is the only offensive weapon in the armor, representing the Word of God. It is used to counter the enemy's attacks by speaking and applying Scripture to our lives.

• Application: Use Scripture as your guide and counterattack the enemy’s lies. When faced with temptation, anger, or frustration, turn to God’s Word for wisdom and strength. Together, you can use Scripture to navigate challenges and to remind each other of the principles that should govern your relationship.

7. Praying at All Times in the Spirit:

• Purpose: Prayer is the means by which we engage with God and access His power. It is the communication line that keeps us connected to God and aligned with His will.

• Application: Make prayer a cornerstone of your marriage. Pray together regularly, asking for God’s guidance, strength, and protection over your relationship. Prayer is a powerful tool that keeps you connected to each other and to God, allowing His Spirit to lead and sustain your marriage.

In marriage, it’s easy to get caught up in the battles and forget who the real enemy is. The conflicts you face are part of a larger spiritual battle that requires you to be equipped with God’s armor. By embracing these spiritual tools, you can protect and strengthen your marriage, ensuring that you stand united against the forces that seek to divide you.

To deepen your understanding of spiritual warfare and how it affects your marriage, make time to regularly read and study the Bible together. God's Word will equip you with the wisdom and strength needed to navigate the challenges you face. Additionally, I highly recommend Priscilla Shirer’s Bible study, The Armor of God. This resource will not only provide practical steps to strengthen your marriage through faith, truth, and prayer but also help you stand firm against the spiritual forces that seek to disrupt your relationship.

If you are experiencing obstacles in your relationship, talking to a clinically trained counselor may help. Sandra Lee Christian Counseling would love to help you process your challenges individually or as a couple. We are here to help and walk through this journey together.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

*If you have any concerns about abuse, please don’t hesitate to seek help. Visit https://www.thehotline.org for free, confidential, and 24/7 access to resources and support.

Love Story: The Power of Narrative

[Disclaimer: This blogpost is intended for those who frequently find themselves trapped in unproductive, unhealthy relationship patterns and are eager to break the cycle. Before proceeding, I want to clarify that I did not write this with the intent to address or reference any form of *abusive behavior.]

While we often expect that love alone should make relationships effortless, the reality is that maintaining healthy and fulfilling connections requires ongoing effort. Misunderstandings, conflicts, and emotional distances can build up, leaving couples, friends, and family members feeling disconnected and disheartened. By transforming the stories we tell ourselves and each other, we can foster deeper connections and stronger bonds.

The Power of Stories in Relationships

Our lives are shaped by the stories we tell. These narratives influence how we see ourselves, perceive others, and interact with the world around us. In relationships, the stories we construct about our partners or loved ones can significantly impact the health and satisfaction of those connections. If we continuously tell ourselves a story where our partner, a family member, or a friend is inconsiderate or unloving, our interactions are likely to be colored by frustration and resentment. Conversely, if we intentionally focus on a narrative that acknowledges their inherent goodness while considering other possible reasons for disagreements, we're more likely to approach the relationship with appreciation and positivity.

As Scripture says, we are encouraged to sanctify ourselves and see others as God’s beloved, created in His image, and so precious that He sent His one and only Son to die for them: "Therefore become imitators of God [copy Him and follow His example], as well-beloved children [imitate their father]; and walk continually in love [that is, value one another—practice empathy and compassion, unselfishly seeking the best for others], just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and sacrifice to God [slain for you, so that it became] a sweet fragrance" (Ephesians 5:1-2). By following this example, we can transform our relational narratives to reflect empathy, compassion, and selfless love.

Externalizing Problems: It’s Not Them, It’s the Enemy. It’s Our Sinful Nature.

A powerful technique in transforming relationships is externalization, which involves viewing problems as separate from the individuals involved. Instead of seeing our partner, a family member, or a friend as difficult or malicious, we can recognize that issues like misunderstandings, stress, exhaustion, and past trauma are manifestations of our shared sinful nature and external forces, including the influence of the Enemy, Satan, which can be addressed collaboratively.

Imagine a couple grappling with frequent arguments. Instead of labeling each other as argumentative or incompatible, they might externalize the issue by saying, "We've had a challenging day and are under spiritual attack. I notice myself feeling easily angered and misunderstanding what you're saying. But I recognize that you're here because you love me and want to resolve this. I love you, and I want to resolve it, too." This shift in perspective transforms the couple into a team addressing a shared challenge rather than adversaries in conflict. Moreover, by intentionally highlighting and appreciating each other's positive qualities—such as kindness, efforts, and strengths—the couple strengthens their bond and collaborates more effectively. Recognizing the influence of sin and the Enemy, while focusing on their God-given positive attributes, enables them to support and encourage each other in overcoming these obstacles.

Deconstructing Negative Narratives and Re-authoring Relationships

Transforming relationships involves not only deconstructing negative narratives that dominate our thinking but also exploring their origins and challenging their validity. These harmful stories often stem from past experiences, unrealistic expectations, or societal pressures rather than the Truth.

Once these negative narratives are broken down and understood, the focus can shift to re-authoring more empowering and constructive stories. Couples, family members, or friends can redefine their narrative by emphasizing strengths and successes, thereby creating a more positive and hopeful outlook on their relationship.

For example, a husband might feel inadequate due to past emotional wounds from his family and current financial stress. This narrative can cast a long shadow over his relationship with his wife, leading to irritability and insecurity, especially during discussions about finances. He might misinterpret his wife’s genuine attempts to address their financial situation as accusations of mistrust and irresponsibility. By examining the narrative he holds about himself and his wife, understanding its origins, and then creating a new perspective that recognizes both his and his wife’s identity as God's beloved, he can improve his self-perception and enhance how he relates to his wife. This transformation contributes to healthier conflict resolution in their relationship.

Drawing from Scripture

Incorporating principles from Scripture can further enrich the process of transforming relationships. These principles provide a foundation of love, forgiveness, and hope, which are essential for healthy relationships.

Recognizing Our Brokenness: According to Scripture, all humans are born with a sinful nature (Romans 3:23). Recognizing that everyone, including ourselves, is inherently flawed can foster humility and compassion in our relationships.

Seeing Each Other as God Sees Us: The Bible teaches that we are all children of God and deeply loved by Him (1 John 3:1). This perspective encourages us to view our loved ones as valuable and worthy of love and respect. Understanding that God loves each of us immensely can help us to extend that same love and respect to others, regardless of their flaws.

Forgiveness and Grace: We are called to forgive others as God has forgiven us, which emphasizes extending grace to one another, understanding that everyone makes mistakes and that redemption is always possible (Ephesians 4:32).

Promises of Transformation: By focusing on God's promises and the new life found in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), couples, families, and friends can rewrite their stories with confidence in the positive changes God can bring to their relationships.

Prayer and Reflection: Incorporating prayer into the process of transforming relationships can provide guidance and strength. Reflecting on Scripture and seeking God’s wisdom can help individuals find new perspectives and solutions. "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5).

Practical Steps to Implement Transformative Narratives with Scriptural Principles

Tell Your Stories: Take time to share your individual stories with each other. Listen actively and empathetically, seeking to understand the perspectives and experiences that shape each person’s narrative.

Externalize the Problems: Practice viewing issues as external to your and your loved one’s identity. Instead of blaming each other, name the problem as something you can tackle together.

Challenge Negative Narratives: Reflect on the negative stories that dominate your thinking. Where do they come from? Are they truly reflective of your current reality? Consider how scriptural principles might provide a different perspective.

Focus on Positive Moments: Cultivate a habit of acknowledging and celebrating the positive aspects of your relationship. Intentionally recognize the talents and gifts that God has blessed your loved ones with. Reflect on the times when you overcame challenges together, allowing these moments to inspire your ongoing story.

Seek God’s Guidance: Incorporate prayer and Scripture into your reflection. Ask God for wisdom and strength to rewrite your stories in a way that honors Him and brings you closer together.

Seek Professional Guidance: If needed, consider working with a counselor or therapist. A trained professional like myself at Sandra Lee Christian Counseling can provide the tools and support necessary to navigate this transformative process.

Conclusion: The Power of Rewriting

We can profoundly enhance our relationships by transforming the stories we tell, starting with the perspective that our partners, family members, or friends are God's beloved. Externalizing problems, understanding that it's not them but the influence of the Enemy and everyone's sinful nature, and deconstructing negative narratives allow us to see challenges in a new light. Through this process, we cultivate deeper understanding, empathy, and connection with our loved ones.

This approach not only strengthens our relationships but also enriches our lives with the steadfast support and love of those we hold dear. Therefore, let us take a step back, listen to the stories with discernment, seek wisdom from God's Word, and embark on the journey of rewriting our shared narrative. In doing so, we can pave the way for a brighter, more connected future filled with grace, forgiveness, and enduring love.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

*If you have any concerns about abuse, please don’t hesitate to seek help. Visit https://www.thehotline.org for free, confidential, and 24/7 access to resources and support.

Personality

Building on our exploration of intentionality from last week, where we focused on maintaining purposeful attention amidst distractions, today's discussion takes a more practical turn as we investigate the intricacies of personality.

Personality, a subject that has captivated psychologists and scientists alike, examines the enduring patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that make each of us incredibly unique. Through the complex interplay of genetics, environment, and lived experiences, personality psychology offers profound insights into how we navigate the world around us.

Today’s post will examine how the intricacies of our and others’ personalities can deepen our grasp of God’s characters, fostering self-awareness and encouraging readers to intentionally seek understanding of human behavior and relationships, whether with significant others, children, parents, colleagues, or friends. As we explore these dynamics, we will uncover how our innate tendencies shape our responses to life's challenges and opportunities, sometimes propelling us toward growth and other times posing obstacles.

So, let’s begin.

We notice varying degrees of personalities and uniqueness, even among siblings who share the same exact parents. As previously discussed, each of us is created exceptionally and wonderfully, reflecting divine craftsmanship, as highlighted in Psalm 139:14. However, this rarity and individuality is also grounded in our shared image of God, as noted in Genesis 1:27. Thus, we are gifted with His personality, His character evident in each of us. This inherent goodness permeates every individual, adding to the richness of His boundless creation.

Sadly, the entry of sin into the world, fueled by temptations from the Enemy and humans being deceived by them, has distorted the good and perfect gifts given by God (Genesis 2-3; James 1:16-17). We previously examined this topic in the context of the opposing forces within us—the struggle between our broken, selfish nature and the prompting of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:16-26). This dichotomy is often glaringly apparent when we examine personalities.

Consider, for instance, the paradox of a natural leader who, while possessing the potential for great leadership qualities, lacks empathy and flexibility. Similarly, those inclined towards grace and peace may also tend to avoid conflict excessively. An individual deeply rooted in creativity and enjoyment of the present might struggle with order and sensible prioritization, while a go-getter might find their self-worth entangled with their successes. Furthermore, an inquisitive person may sometimes become reclusive, withdrawing into their thoughts and ideas rather than engaging with the world around them.

To make things even harder, we also contend with the complexity of hastily being judged by our differences, adding to the already challenging task of navigating our own internal issues. When individuals possess unique qualities and deviate from our expectations or act in ways unfamiliar to us, it's easy to succumb to judgment without fully understanding their motivations or circumstances.

So what if we intentionally approached both ourselves and others with awe and wonder? What if we acknowledged that each personality trait, inherently good and made in the image of God, is often accompanied by its shadow side—the influence of our sinful nature? Despite these flaws, each trait harbors immense potential for growth and contribution.

Self-awareness plays a crucial role in this journey of growth and sanctification. By becoming aware of our own personality traits, tendencies, and areas for improvement, we can actively participate in the process of personal and spiritual growth. Through self-reflection and introspection, we can identify patterns of behavior that align with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and those that stem from our sinful nature. This awareness empowers us to make intentional choices that lead to positive growth and transformation.

As we deepen our understanding of ourselves and others, God’s character in us and our sinful nature, we confront the paradoxical aspects of our personalities intentionally and purposefully. Leaders, for example, can learn to balance their strengths by nurturing empathy and teamwork. Similarly, those inclined towards grace and forgiveness can complement these qualities with truth and accountability, fostering deeper connections. Likewise, creative individuals prone to procrastination can approach prioritization with a joyful heart, while go-getters balance their pursuit of success with a focus on their identity in Christ rather than worldly accomplishments. Finally, the inquisitive can recognize the value of collaboration and the richness that comes from engaging others in their curiosity.

Furthermore, we are called to actively participate in the sanctification process of becoming more like Christ. This intentional practice of personal growth not only strengthens our relationship with God but also deepens our empathy and compassion for others. As we experience God's grace and forgiveness in our own lives, we are compelled to extend that same grace and compassion to those around us.

Now, turning inward, let's contemplate our own personality traits and those we love: What inherent goodness does each possess, and what shadows does it cast? How can we be more intentional about nurturing their potential for growth this week? This introspective journey is not merely about self-discovery but about aligning ourselves with the greatest commandment to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love others as ourselves. By recognizing both the light and the shadows within us, we can take intentional steps towards becoming better stewards of our gifts and fostering deeper connections with our Creator and His creations.

Licensed Christian counselors, such as myself at Sandra Lee Christian Counseling, can offer valuable assistance in navigating the complexities of self-awareness, personal growth, and spiritual development. May you progress on a transformative path towards becoming the person God created you to be—a vessel of His love, grace, truth, and light to the world.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

Right Vs Wrong

[Disclaimer: This blogpost is intended for couples who frequently find themselves trapped in unproductive, unhealthy communication patterns and are eager to break the cycle. Before proceeding, I want to clarify that I did not write this with the intent to address or reference any form of *abusive behavior.]

I was right… So what went wrong?

Have you ever been in an argument with your significant other where you know you are unequivocally right? Even if you were to ask anyone you both know and mutually respect, including your pastor or God, it would be undeniable that you were right. But for some reason, the outcome of the argument didn’t end the way you had hoped for. You imagined that your significant other would admit their error and apologize. I mean you were pretty convincing when you laid out the facts in excruciating detail and gave your partner the timeline of how it all unfolded. Instead, you found yourself and your partner getting louder with tempers rising to match the crescendo of the moment. Or, you saw the back of your partner’s head as they walked away angry, deflated, and completely shutting down. Or just maybe you decided to deploy the silent treatment for the rest of the week to avoid dealing with your partner.

So what went wrong even though you were right?

Here is a hard nugget of truth: Being right is not always the right thing to do in relationships. You may ask, “So you mean I should allow the bad behavior to continue?” No, that’s not what I mean at all. What I mean is that many times, we get stuck on “being right'' and, as a result, we become more insensitive, harsh, judgmental, disconnected, and stubborn. In turn, our partners become defensive and less likely to listen to our attempts to “make things right.” Ironically, it usually invites contempt, anger, sadness, and even loneliness to take root in your relationship.

So, if you find yourself at an impasse, a deadlock, going in circles with your partner about the same argument of who was right or wrong, I strongly encourage you to make the first move. You ask why you first when you are the one that is right. Because that’s the right thing to do. See what I did there? 

In all seriousness, let’s take a moment and reflect on this passage:

Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

Matthew 22:37-40 (NIV)

I know that being in a relationship isn’t always easy, especially when you find yourself alone in an argument armed with facts, data, and logic. It's tempting, even validating, to dig your heels in and proudly assert your position, as if you were the ultimate arbiter of truth.

If you're familiar with the passage above, you'll recognize that Jesus was addressing an expert of the law—an individual consumed with the pursuit of righteousness through legalism rather than embracing God’s love, grace, and mercy. However, I'm not advocating for passivity. Instead, I urge you to consider the true consequences of self-righteousness: Judgment, division, resentment, bitterness, and anger. After all, it was the self-righteous leaders who demanded Jesus's crucifixion. When we witness these negative outcomes, it becomes clear that our fixation on being right is the work of the Enemy and our own flesh.

Rather than pursuing a relentless need to prove ourselves right, I encourage you to prioritize the qualities of the Spirit and cultivate a nurturing environment for your partner by seeking understanding before demanding to be understood. Research has shown consistently that couples who practice active listening, validate each other's feelings, and demonstrate empathy are more likely to resolve conflicts constructively and experience greater relationship satisfaction over time. Let’s respond intentionally, guided by the Holy Spirit rather than succumbing to the whims of our own impulses. Remember, your partner is fearfully and wonderfully made by God (Psalm 139:14); they are not your enemy but your ally. Through fostering compassion, vulnerability, and authenticity in our interactions, we can nurture healthier and more fulfilling relationships:

But I say, walk habitually in the [Holy] Spirit [seek Him and be responsive to His guidance], and then you will certainly not carry out the desire of the sinful nature [which responds impulsively without regard for God and His precepts]. For the sinful nature has its desire which is opposed to the Spirit, and the [desire of the] Spirit opposes the sinful nature; for these [two, the sinful nature and the Spirit] are in direct opposition to each other [continually in conflict], so that you [as believers] do not [always] do whatever [good things] you want to do. But if you are guided and led by the Spirit, you are not subject to the Law. Now the practices of the sinful nature are clearly evident: they are sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality (total irresponsibility, lack of self-control), idolatry, sorcery, hostility, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions [that promote heresies], envy, drunkenness, riotous behavior, and other things like these. I warn you beforehand, just as I did previously, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature together with its passions and appetites. If we [claim to] live by the [Holy] Spirit, we must also walk by the Spirit [with personal integrity, godly character, and moral courage—our conduct empowered by the Holy Spirit]. We must not become conceited, challenging or provoking one another, envying one another.

Galatians 5:16-26 (AMP)

For two decades, I’ve witnessed beautiful transformations and breakthroughs in couples when they refocus their priorities from “being right” to first demonstrating love and grace toward one another. I hope this encourages you to take a moment to breathe and reflect the next time you find your partner and yourself stuck in this cycle. Ponder what matters most: Is it right to love or to “be right”?  

If you are experiencing obstacles in your relationship, talking to a clinically trained counselor may help. Sandra Lee Christian Counseling would love to help you process your challenges individually or as a couple. We are here to help and walk through this journey together.

*If you have any concerns about abuse, please don’t hesitate to seek help. Visit https://www.thehotline.org for free, confidential, and 24/7 access to resources and support.

www.sandraleecounseling.com