The Armor of God: Fighting the Real Enemy in Your Marriage, Not Each Other

[Disclaimer: This blogpost is intended for those who frequently find themselves trapped in unproductive, unhealthy relationship patterns and are eager to break the cycle. Before proceeding, I want to clarify that I did not write this with the intent to address or reference any form of *abusive behavior.]

Marriage is one of the most profound relationships we experience, but it can also be one of the most challenging. It’s easy to fall into the trap of seeing your spouse as the enemy, especially when conflicts arise or when you feel misunderstood or unappreciated. However, it’s important to remember that our struggle is "not against flesh and blood" (Ephesians 6:12). The real enemy isn’t your spouse, but the spiritual forces that seek to create division and strife in your relationship:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people (Ephesians 6:10-18 NIV).

The Apostle Paul, in this letter to the Ephesians, warns us about these spiritual forces and urges us to put on the "full armor of God" to stand firm against their schemes. This armor is not just a metaphor; it’s a practical guide for protecting and strengthening your marriage against the attacks that can tear it apart.

Understanding Spiritual Warfare in Marriage

Before diving into the specifics of the armor, it’s important to recognize how spiritual warfare often manifests in marriage:

Seeing Your Spouse as the Enemy:
In moments of conflict, it’s easy to view your spouse as the source of your frustration or pain. Whether it’s a disagreement about finances, parenting, or unmet expectations, these conflicts can make it feel like you’re on opposite sides. But remember, the real enemy is not your spouse; the struggle is against spiritual forces that seek to create division and misunderstanding between you.

Struggling with Insecurity and Pride:
Feelings of inadequacy or fear of rejection can create barriers in communication and intimacy. The enemy often attacks our sense of self-worth, making us more susceptible to mistrust, resentment, and withdrawal in our marriage. Insecurity might lead to hypervigilance, where one spouse becomes overly sensitive and constantly on guard, perceiving innocent comments or actions as personal attacks. On the other hand, pride can prevent us from admitting when we’re wrong or from showing vulnerability, leading to defensiveness and a lack of genuine connection. Both insecurity and pride are tools the enemy uses to create division and prevent couples from experiencing the deep intimacy that God intends for marriage.

Letting Outside Stressors Impact Your Relationship:
Work stress, financial pressures, and other external challenges can easily spill over into your marriage, leading to increased tension and conflict. The enemy can use these stressors to create cracks in your relationship, turning minor disagreements into major battles. Even Jesus was tempted by the enemy when He was hungry and tired (Matthew 4:1-11, Luke 4:1-13), showing that in times of physical and emotional strain, we are more susceptible to attacks. Just as Jesus faced temptation during these challenging moments, we too can find ourselves more vulnerable to conflict and division when we’re under stress or feeling overwhelmed.

Equipping Your Marriage with the Armor of God

The spiritual armor described in Ephesians 6 provides practical ways to protect and strengthen your marriage:

1. The Belt of Truth:

• Purpose: The belt is essential for holding the rest of the armor in place. In the same way, truth is foundational to the Christian life. Knowing God's truth is crucial for living a life of integrity and for standing firm against the lies and deceptions of the enemy.

• Application: Ground your marriage in God’s truth. When conflicts arise, remind yourselves of the truth about your love, commitment, and the covenant you’ve made with each other. Knowing and standing firm in God’s truth helps you see each other as teammates, not adversaries.

2. The Breastplate of Righteousness:

• Purpose: The breastplate protects the heart and vital organs. Spiritually, it symbolizes the righteousness that comes from God, which guards our hearts from the enemy’s attacks, such as resentment and condemnation.

• Application: Protect your heart and your marriage by living with integrity and pursuing righteousness together. When tempted to hold onto grudges or act out of selfishness, choose to honor God and each other by making decisions that reflect His righteousness.

3. The Shoes of the Gospel of Peace:

• Purpose: Shoes enable a soldier to move quickly and confidently across rough terrain. Spiritually, these shoes represent the readiness and stability that comes from the gospel of peace.

• Application: Let the peace of Christ guide your interactions. Approach conflicts with a spirit of reconciliation and peace, seeking to understand rather than to win. This peace will help you navigate even the most challenging discussions without allowing them to escalate into full-blown battles.

4. The Shield of Faith:

• Purpose: The shield is used to block and extinguish the fiery arrows of the enemy. Faith, in this context, is trust in God's promises and character, which protects us from the enemy’s lies and attacks.

• Application: Hold up the shield of faith together. Trust in God’s promises for your marriage, even when things are difficult. Faith will help you resist the doubts and fears that can erode your relationship, keeping you united in your trust in God’s plan for your marriage.

5. The Helmet of Salvation:

• Purpose: The helmet protects the head, crucial for both survival and clear thinking. Spiritually, it symbolizes the assurance of salvation, which shields our minds from doubts and the enemy’s efforts to undermine our confidence in God.

• Application: Protect your mind and your marriage by focusing on the salvation you have in Christ. When the enemy tries to sow seeds of doubt or discouragement, remind each other of the security and hope you have in Jesus. This perspective can shift your focus from temporary challenges to eternal truths.

6. The Sword of the Spirit:

• Purpose: The sword is the only offensive weapon in the armor, representing the Word of God. It is used to counter the enemy's attacks by speaking and applying Scripture to our lives.

• Application: Use Scripture as your guide and counterattack the enemy’s lies. When faced with temptation, anger, or frustration, turn to God’s Word for wisdom and strength. Together, you can use Scripture to navigate challenges and to remind each other of the principles that should govern your relationship.

7. Praying at All Times in the Spirit:

• Purpose: Prayer is the means by which we engage with God and access His power. It is the communication line that keeps us connected to God and aligned with His will.

• Application: Make prayer a cornerstone of your marriage. Pray together regularly, asking for God’s guidance, strength, and protection over your relationship. Prayer is a powerful tool that keeps you connected to each other and to God, allowing His Spirit to lead and sustain your marriage.

In marriage, it’s easy to get caught up in the battles and forget who the real enemy is. The conflicts you face are part of a larger spiritual battle that requires you to be equipped with God’s armor. By embracing these spiritual tools, you can protect and strengthen your marriage, ensuring that you stand united against the forces that seek to divide you.

To deepen your understanding of spiritual warfare and how it affects your marriage, make time to regularly read and study the Bible together. God's Word will equip you with the wisdom and strength needed to navigate the challenges you face. Additionally, I highly recommend Priscilla Shirer’s Bible study, The Armor of God. This resource will not only provide practical steps to strengthen your marriage through faith, truth, and prayer but also help you stand firm against the spiritual forces that seek to disrupt your relationship.

If you are experiencing obstacles in your relationship, talking to a clinically trained counselor may help. Sandra Lee Christian Counseling would love to help you process your challenges individually or as a couple. We are here to help and walk through this journey together.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

*If you have any concerns about abuse, please don’t hesitate to seek help. Visit https://www.thehotline.org for free, confidential, and 24/7 access to resources and support.

Love Story: The Power of Narrative

[Disclaimer: This blogpost is intended for those who frequently find themselves trapped in unproductive, unhealthy relationship patterns and are eager to break the cycle. Before proceeding, I want to clarify that I did not write this with the intent to address or reference any form of *abusive behavior.]

While we often expect that love alone should make relationships effortless, the reality is that maintaining healthy and fulfilling connections requires ongoing effort. Misunderstandings, conflicts, and emotional distances can build up, leaving couples, friends, and family members feeling disconnected and disheartened. By transforming the stories we tell ourselves and each other, we can foster deeper connections and stronger bonds.

The Power of Stories in Relationships

Our lives are shaped by the stories we tell. These narratives influence how we see ourselves, perceive others, and interact with the world around us. In relationships, the stories we construct about our partners or loved ones can significantly impact the health and satisfaction of those connections. If we continuously tell ourselves a story where our partner, a family member, or a friend is inconsiderate or unloving, our interactions are likely to be colored by frustration and resentment. Conversely, if we intentionally focus on a narrative that acknowledges their inherent goodness while considering other possible reasons for disagreements, we're more likely to approach the relationship with appreciation and positivity.

As Scripture says, we are encouraged to sanctify ourselves and see others as God’s beloved, created in His image, and so precious that He sent His one and only Son to die for them: "Therefore become imitators of God [copy Him and follow His example], as well-beloved children [imitate their father]; and walk continually in love [that is, value one another—practice empathy and compassion, unselfishly seeking the best for others], just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and sacrifice to God [slain for you, so that it became] a sweet fragrance" (Ephesians 5:1-2). By following this example, we can transform our relational narratives to reflect empathy, compassion, and selfless love.

Externalizing Problems: It’s Not Them, It’s the Enemy. It’s Our Sinful Nature.

A powerful technique in transforming relationships is externalization, which involves viewing problems as separate from the individuals involved. Instead of seeing our partner, a family member, or a friend as difficult or malicious, we can recognize that issues like misunderstandings, stress, exhaustion, and past trauma are manifestations of our shared sinful nature and external forces, including the influence of the Enemy, Satan, which can be addressed collaboratively.

Imagine a couple grappling with frequent arguments. Instead of labeling each other as argumentative or incompatible, they might externalize the issue by saying, "We've had a challenging day and are under spiritual attack. I notice myself feeling easily angered and misunderstanding what you're saying. But I recognize that you're here because you love me and want to resolve this. I love you, and I want to resolve it, too." This shift in perspective transforms the couple into a team addressing a shared challenge rather than adversaries in conflict. Moreover, by intentionally highlighting and appreciating each other's positive qualities—such as kindness, efforts, and strengths—the couple strengthens their bond and collaborates more effectively. Recognizing the influence of sin and the Enemy, while focusing on their God-given positive attributes, enables them to support and encourage each other in overcoming these obstacles.

Deconstructing Negative Narratives and Re-authoring Relationships

Transforming relationships involves not only deconstructing negative narratives that dominate our thinking but also exploring their origins and challenging their validity. These harmful stories often stem from past experiences, unrealistic expectations, or societal pressures rather than the Truth.

Once these negative narratives are broken down and understood, the focus can shift to re-authoring more empowering and constructive stories. Couples, family members, or friends can redefine their narrative by emphasizing strengths and successes, thereby creating a more positive and hopeful outlook on their relationship.

For example, a husband might feel inadequate due to past emotional wounds from his family and current financial stress. This narrative can cast a long shadow over his relationship with his wife, leading to irritability and insecurity, especially during discussions about finances. He might misinterpret his wife’s genuine attempts to address their financial situation as accusations of mistrust and irresponsibility. By examining the narrative he holds about himself and his wife, understanding its origins, and then creating a new perspective that recognizes both his and his wife’s identity as God's beloved, he can improve his self-perception and enhance how he relates to his wife. This transformation contributes to healthier conflict resolution in their relationship.

Drawing from Scripture

Incorporating principles from Scripture can further enrich the process of transforming relationships. These principles provide a foundation of love, forgiveness, and hope, which are essential for healthy relationships.

Recognizing Our Brokenness: According to Scripture, all humans are born with a sinful nature (Romans 3:23). Recognizing that everyone, including ourselves, is inherently flawed can foster humility and compassion in our relationships.

Seeing Each Other as God Sees Us: The Bible teaches that we are all children of God and deeply loved by Him (1 John 3:1). This perspective encourages us to view our loved ones as valuable and worthy of love and respect. Understanding that God loves each of us immensely can help us to extend that same love and respect to others, regardless of their flaws.

Forgiveness and Grace: We are called to forgive others as God has forgiven us, which emphasizes extending grace to one another, understanding that everyone makes mistakes and that redemption is always possible (Ephesians 4:32).

Promises of Transformation: By focusing on God's promises and the new life found in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), couples, families, and friends can rewrite their stories with confidence in the positive changes God can bring to their relationships.

Prayer and Reflection: Incorporating prayer into the process of transforming relationships can provide guidance and strength. Reflecting on Scripture and seeking God’s wisdom can help individuals find new perspectives and solutions. "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5).

Practical Steps to Implement Transformative Narratives with Scriptural Principles

Tell Your Stories: Take time to share your individual stories with each other. Listen actively and empathetically, seeking to understand the perspectives and experiences that shape each person’s narrative.

Externalize the Problems: Practice viewing issues as external to your and your loved one’s identity. Instead of blaming each other, name the problem as something you can tackle together.

Challenge Negative Narratives: Reflect on the negative stories that dominate your thinking. Where do they come from? Are they truly reflective of your current reality? Consider how scriptural principles might provide a different perspective.

Focus on Positive Moments: Cultivate a habit of acknowledging and celebrating the positive aspects of your relationship. Intentionally recognize the talents and gifts that God has blessed your loved ones with. Reflect on the times when you overcame challenges together, allowing these moments to inspire your ongoing story.

Seek God’s Guidance: Incorporate prayer and Scripture into your reflection. Ask God for wisdom and strength to rewrite your stories in a way that honors Him and brings you closer together.

Seek Professional Guidance: If needed, consider working with a counselor or therapist. A trained professional like myself at Sandra Lee Christian Counseling can provide the tools and support necessary to navigate this transformative process.

Conclusion: The Power of Rewriting

We can profoundly enhance our relationships by transforming the stories we tell, starting with the perspective that our partners, family members, or friends are God's beloved. Externalizing problems, understanding that it's not them but the influence of the Enemy and everyone's sinful nature, and deconstructing negative narratives allow us to see challenges in a new light. Through this process, we cultivate deeper understanding, empathy, and connection with our loved ones.

This approach not only strengthens our relationships but also enriches our lives with the steadfast support and love of those we hold dear. Therefore, let us take a step back, listen to the stories with discernment, seek wisdom from God's Word, and embark on the journey of rewriting our shared narrative. In doing so, we can pave the way for a brighter, more connected future filled with grace, forgiveness, and enduring love.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

*If you have any concerns about abuse, please don’t hesitate to seek help. Visit https://www.thehotline.org for free, confidential, and 24/7 access to resources and support.

Right Vs Wrong

[Disclaimer: This blogpost is intended for couples who frequently find themselves trapped in unproductive, unhealthy communication patterns and are eager to break the cycle. Before proceeding, I want to clarify that I did not write this with the intent to address or reference any form of *abusive behavior.]

I was right… So what went wrong?

Have you ever been in an argument with your significant other where you know you are unequivocally right? Even if you were to ask anyone you both know and mutually respect, including your pastor or God, it would be undeniable that you were right. But for some reason, the outcome of the argument didn’t end the way you had hoped for. You imagined that your significant other would admit their error and apologize. I mean you were pretty convincing when you laid out the facts in excruciating detail and gave your partner the timeline of how it all unfolded. Instead, you found yourself and your partner getting louder with tempers rising to match the crescendo of the moment. Or, you saw the back of your partner’s head as they walked away angry, deflated, and completely shutting down. Or just maybe you decided to deploy the silent treatment for the rest of the week to avoid dealing with your partner.

So what went wrong even though you were right?

Here is a hard nugget of truth: Being right is not always the right thing to do in relationships. You may ask, “So you mean I should allow the bad behavior to continue?” No, that’s not what I mean at all. What I mean is that many times, we get stuck on “being right'' and, as a result, we become more insensitive, harsh, judgmental, disconnected, and stubborn. In turn, our partners become defensive and less likely to listen to our attempts to “make things right.” Ironically, it usually invites contempt, anger, sadness, and even loneliness to take root in your relationship.

So, if you find yourself at an impasse, a deadlock, going in circles with your partner about the same argument of who was right or wrong, I strongly encourage you to make the first move. You ask why you first when you are the one that is right. Because that’s the right thing to do. See what I did there? 

In all seriousness, let’s take a moment and reflect on this passage:

Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

Matthew 22:37-40 (NIV)

I know that being in a relationship isn’t always easy, especially when you find yourself alone in an argument armed with facts, data, and logic. It's tempting, even validating, to dig your heels in and proudly assert your position, as if you were the ultimate arbiter of truth.

If you're familiar with the passage above, you'll recognize that Jesus was addressing an expert of the law—an individual consumed with the pursuit of righteousness through legalism rather than embracing God’s love, grace, and mercy. However, I'm not advocating for passivity. Instead, I urge you to consider the true consequences of self-righteousness: Judgment, division, resentment, bitterness, and anger. After all, it was the self-righteous leaders who demanded Jesus's crucifixion. When we witness these negative outcomes, it becomes clear that our fixation on being right is the work of the Enemy and our own flesh.

Rather than pursuing a relentless need to prove ourselves right, I encourage you to prioritize the qualities of the Spirit and cultivate a nurturing environment for your partner by seeking understanding before demanding to be understood. Research has shown consistently that couples who practice active listening, validate each other's feelings, and demonstrate empathy are more likely to resolve conflicts constructively and experience greater relationship satisfaction over time. Let’s respond intentionally, guided by the Holy Spirit rather than succumbing to the whims of our own impulses. Remember, your partner is fearfully and wonderfully made by God (Psalm 139:14); they are not your enemy but your ally. Through fostering compassion, vulnerability, and authenticity in our interactions, we can nurture healthier and more fulfilling relationships:

But I say, walk habitually in the [Holy] Spirit [seek Him and be responsive to His guidance], and then you will certainly not carry out the desire of the sinful nature [which responds impulsively without regard for God and His precepts]. For the sinful nature has its desire which is opposed to the Spirit, and the [desire of the] Spirit opposes the sinful nature; for these [two, the sinful nature and the Spirit] are in direct opposition to each other [continually in conflict], so that you [as believers] do not [always] do whatever [good things] you want to do. But if you are guided and led by the Spirit, you are not subject to the Law. Now the practices of the sinful nature are clearly evident: they are sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality (total irresponsibility, lack of self-control), idolatry, sorcery, hostility, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions [that promote heresies], envy, drunkenness, riotous behavior, and other things like these. I warn you beforehand, just as I did previously, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature together with its passions and appetites. If we [claim to] live by the [Holy] Spirit, we must also walk by the Spirit [with personal integrity, godly character, and moral courage—our conduct empowered by the Holy Spirit]. We must not become conceited, challenging or provoking one another, envying one another.

Galatians 5:16-26 (AMP)

For two decades, I’ve witnessed beautiful transformations and breakthroughs in couples when they refocus their priorities from “being right” to first demonstrating love and grace toward one another. I hope this encourages you to take a moment to breathe and reflect the next time you find your partner and yourself stuck in this cycle. Ponder what matters most: Is it right to love or to “be right”?  

If you are experiencing obstacles in your relationship, talking to a clinically trained counselor may help. Sandra Lee Christian Counseling would love to help you process your challenges individually or as a couple. We are here to help and walk through this journey together.

*If you have any concerns about abuse, please don’t hesitate to seek help. Visit https://www.thehotline.org for free, confidential, and 24/7 access to resources and support.

www.sandraleecounseling.com