Godly Marriage: Seeking God’s Design Over Human Understanding

In a culture that thrives on division, the debate between complementarian and egalitarian marriage has become another battleground where people seek to convince rather than understand. I felt convicted to write about this as I noticed how these discussions often fall into an all-or-nothing mindset, mirroring the black-and-white thinking that plagues modern discourse. Rather than humbling ourselves before God’s wisdom, we seek absolute right and wrong within human-made categories. As I prayed and meditated on Isaiah 55:6-11, I was reminded that God's thoughts are higher than ours, His ways beyond our comprehension. If we truly desire a marriage that reflects His design, we must stay centered in His Word with humility, rather than forcing Scripture into ideological frameworks.

The conversation surrounding marriage in Christian circles often falls into two opposing camps: complementarian and egalitarian. Each side claims biblical support, presenting a framework for how husbands and wives should function in marriage. Complementarianism asserts that men and women have distinct but complementary roles, with the husband as the leader and the wife as the submissive helper. Egalitarianism, on the other hand, emphasizes equal partnership, where both husband and wife share authority and responsibilities equally. At first glance, both perspectives seem to hold biblical merit when viewed in isolation. However, these categories are ultimately human constructs that oversimplify the profound mystery of marriage that God designed.

This dichotomy mirrors the black-and-white thinking that dominates today’s culture—the tendency to see issues as either one extreme or the other. While clarity is valuable, this all-or-nothing approach often leads to division, missing the fullness of God's design. Rather than aligning ourselves with a system crafted by human interpretation, we must return to Scripture itself to understand what God intends for marriage.

The Original Design: Adam and Eve in Divine Hierarchy

To grasp God’s vision for marriage, we must go back to the beginning—before sin entered the world. In Genesis 1:27, we see that God created both male and female in His image, giving them joint dominion over creation (Genesis 1:28). However, within this unity, there was a divine order, reflecting God Himself. Just as there is hierarchy within the Trinity—God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit operating in perfect harmony—marriage was designed with a structure that mirrors this divine relationship.

Adam was created first and given the responsibility of tending to the garden (Genesis 2:15-17) before Eve was formed from his side to be his indispensable helper (Genesis 2:18-22). This was not a relationship of dominance but of divine order—Adam as the head, with Eve as his perfect counterpart, working in seamless unity. The fall distorted this order, introducing the struggle for power and brokenness between men and women (Genesis 3:16). The curse was not the divine design, but rather the tragic consequence of sin.

Ephesians 5: Restoring the Divine Order Through Christ

Paul’s words in Ephesians 5 are often misinterpreted to justify one of these two perspectives. Complementarians emphasize verse 22—“Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord”—while egalitarians focus on verse 21—“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Both camps cherry-pick parts of this passage to support their position, missing the full picture of what Paul is saying.

Ephesians 5:25-28 shifts the focus onto husbands: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This love is not domineering but sacrificial. Jesus, the ultimate authority, demonstrated leadership not by demanding service but by serving—washing the feet of His disciples, taking on the shame of the cross. Just as Christ submits to the Father while remaining fully God, a wife’s submission does not equate to inferiority, and a husband’s leadership is not a license for control. It is a call to reflect the divine hierarchy—not corrupted by sin, but restored through Christ.

However, it is also crucial to understand why the husband’s leadership matters. Scripture consistently presents the husband as the head of the household (1 Corinthians 11:3), not as a tyrant but as a reflection of Christ’s headship over the Church. Leadership in a biblical sense is not about power or privilege but about responsibility. A husband is called to lead his wife and family in spiritual growth, to provide, protect, and cultivate an environment where his wife and children can flourish. Just as Christ’s leadership of the Church is marked by sacrifice and servanthood, a husband’s leadership should be characterized by humility and selflessness. This is why Paul’s instructions to husbands are weighty—he is not calling them to a position of dominance but to one of profound responsibility and accountability before God.

When a husband leads as Christ leads the Church, it creates an environment where a wife can joyfully follow his lead—not out of obligation, but out of trust and love. This is not forced submission but a willing response to godly leadership. Likewise, the wife’s role as a helper is not passive; it is active, strong, and essential. Eve was created as a “helper suitable” (Genesis 2:18), a term that in Hebrew ('ezer) is often used to describe God as our helper, ally, and rescuer. This is a role of strength, not weakness.

Human Nature and the Need for Leadership

If, essentially, the husband is called to be last and to serve his wife and children, then why is leadership still important? Human social psychology teaches us that, in the absence of a clear leader, chaos often ensues. Research in this area highlights how groups, communities, and even nations function more effectively when leadership is clearly defined. When there is no leadership, or when authority is ambiguous, individuals tend to vie for control, creating instability. In extreme cases, such as anarchy, social order breaks down entirely. Without a clear leader to guide decisions, human nature often leads to a struggle for dominance, which results in confusion, conflict, and division.

In marriage, leadership is not only necessary but vital. Just as societies and groups benefit from clear authority to guide them, so does a marriage thrive under the leadership of a godly husband. When the husband leads as Christ leads—sacrificially and selflessly—it creates a sense of stability and direction. A wife, secure in her husband's leadership, is more able to trust and support him in the unique roles they both occupy. The lack of leadership in a marriage can lead to confusion, resentment, and unmet needs, much like the social disorder that arises when leadership is unclear. In God's design, the husband’s leadership provides a stabilizing force that helps the couple move forward in unity and purpose, fulfilling their roles as co-heirs of God’s kingdom.

How Sin Distorts God’s Purpose

One of the most dangerous aspects of human nature is the tendency to use Scripture to justify sin and selfish desires. Throughout history, sinful people have twisted God’s Word to maintain control, justify abuse, and fuel division. In 2 Peter 3:16, Peter warns that there are "some things in [Paul’s letters] that are hard to understand, which the ignorant and unstable distort, as they do the other Scriptures, to their own destruction." This distortion isn’t a modern phenomenon—it has been happening for centuries. People manipulate Scripture to reinforce their agendas, whether to control others, justify behavior, or divide the body of Christ. Some have used complementarian views to suppress women, while others have used egalitarian arguments to erase the beauty of distinctiveness between men and women.

Similarly, in 2 Timothy 4:3, Paul writes, “The time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear." This warning speaks directly to the selective and self-serving use of Scripture, where individuals and groups twist God’s Word to align with their preferences and desires, rather than submitting to the truth. In this environment, people can find and elevate teachers who reinforce their preexisting beliefs, rather than seeking the full counsel of God’s Word.

In the case of marriage, we can see how this selective interpretation plays out. Some use a complementarian approach to assert male dominance, twisting Scripture to suppress women’s voices or roles in the home and church. On the other side, some interpret egalitarianism to minimize or overlook the complementary roles designed by God, assuming equality means interchangeable roles rather than unique and distinct purposes within the marriage dynamic. Both extremes are examples of how sin distorts the heart of marriage—the unity, sacrificial love, and partnership designed to mirror Christ’s relationship with His bride, the Church.

However, when we take Scripture in its full context, cohesively from front to back, we see that marriage is not about power but about reflecting Christ and the Church. 2 Timothy 4:2 urges believers to "preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction." This encourages a posture of humility and wisdom when engaging with Scripture, as we strive to let God’s truth transform our understanding rather than attempting to reshape it to fit our preferences. When we read Scripture in its entirety and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we are led back to the original design for marriage—unity, love, and self-giving sacrifice, not control, oppression, or division.

Paul isn’t calling for a rigid system of roles but for a restoration of what was lost in Eden. He’s calling husbands and wives to return to unity, to self-giving love, and to a partnership that mirrors the relationship between Christ and His bride, while honoring the divine structure God established.

Returning to God’s Blueprint

Rather than getting caught in the human-made battle of complementarianism vs. egalitarianism, we must ask a deeper question: Are we seeking to model our marriages after human ideologies or after God’s perfect design? Scripture provides a holistic view of marriage—one that neither erases differences nor enforces power struggles. Instead, it calls us to love, to serve, to forgive, to unite, to restore, and to reflect Christ in our relationships.

God’s plan was never about inflexible structures or power dynamics. It was always about unity, love, and self-sacrificial service within the divine order He established. When we strip away cultural debates and return to Scripture, we find a marriage model that is not defined by human labels but by divine love and purpose.

An Encouragement to Center Your Marriage on God’s Word

As we seek to understand and live out God’s design for marriage, it’s crucial to remember that the foundation of our relationships must be built on God’s Word. As 2 Timothy 3:16-17 reminds us: “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” This includes how we live in our marriages. Without the Word as our guide, we risk being swept away by the world’s ideologies and the noise of our own desires.

If you want to cultivate a deeper, more intimate relationship with God, I encourage you to set aside intentional time to read and reflect on His Word. Prayerfully seek understanding and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal His truths to you. When you make spending time with God through Scripture and prayer the center of your life, it transforms your heart, your relationships, and your marriage.

A great resource to help you engage with Scripture consistently is The Bible Recap. This tool offers a daily plan for reading through the Bible with thoughtful summaries and reflections, helping you grow in your relationship with God through His Word. I pray that you will find joy in discovering the depth of God’s wisdom and in living out His divine design for marriage.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

Love Story: The Power of Narrative

[Disclaimer: This blogpost is intended for those who frequently find themselves trapped in unproductive, unhealthy relationship patterns and are eager to break the cycle. Before proceeding, I want to clarify that I did not write this with the intent to address or reference any form of *abusive behavior.]

While we often expect that love alone should make relationships effortless, the reality is that maintaining healthy and fulfilling connections requires ongoing effort. Misunderstandings, conflicts, and emotional distances can build up, leaving couples, friends, and family members feeling disconnected and disheartened. By transforming the stories we tell ourselves and each other, we can foster deeper connections and stronger bonds.

The Power of Stories in Relationships

Our lives are shaped by the stories we tell. These narratives influence how we see ourselves, perceive others, and interact with the world around us. In relationships, the stories we construct about our partners or loved ones can significantly impact the health and satisfaction of those connections. If we continuously tell ourselves a story where our partner, a family member, or a friend is inconsiderate or unloving, our interactions are likely to be colored by frustration and resentment. Conversely, if we intentionally focus on a narrative that acknowledges their inherent goodness while considering other possible reasons for disagreements, we're more likely to approach the relationship with appreciation and positivity.

As Scripture says, we are encouraged to sanctify ourselves and see others as God’s beloved, created in His image, and so precious that He sent His one and only Son to die for them: "Therefore become imitators of God [copy Him and follow His example], as well-beloved children [imitate their father]; and walk continually in love [that is, value one another—practice empathy and compassion, unselfishly seeking the best for others], just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and sacrifice to God [slain for you, so that it became] a sweet fragrance" (Ephesians 5:1-2). By following this example, we can transform our relational narratives to reflect empathy, compassion, and selfless love.

Externalizing Problems: It’s Not Them, It’s the Enemy. It’s Our Sinful Nature.

A powerful technique in transforming relationships is externalization, which involves viewing problems as separate from the individuals involved. Instead of seeing our partner, a family member, or a friend as difficult or malicious, we can recognize that issues like misunderstandings, stress, exhaustion, and past trauma are manifestations of our shared sinful nature and external forces, including the influence of the Enemy, Satan, which can be addressed collaboratively.

Imagine a couple grappling with frequent arguments. Instead of labeling each other as argumentative or incompatible, they might externalize the issue by saying, "We've had a challenging day and are under spiritual attack. I notice myself feeling easily angered and misunderstanding what you're saying. But I recognize that you're here because you love me and want to resolve this. I love you, and I want to resolve it, too." This shift in perspective transforms the couple into a team addressing a shared challenge rather than adversaries in conflict. Moreover, by intentionally highlighting and appreciating each other's positive qualities—such as kindness, efforts, and strengths—the couple strengthens their bond and collaborates more effectively. Recognizing the influence of sin and the Enemy, while focusing on their God-given positive attributes, enables them to support and encourage each other in overcoming these obstacles.

Deconstructing Negative Narratives and Re-authoring Relationships

Transforming relationships involves not only deconstructing negative narratives that dominate our thinking but also exploring their origins and challenging their validity. These harmful stories often stem from past experiences, unrealistic expectations, or societal pressures rather than the Truth.

Once these negative narratives are broken down and understood, the focus can shift to re-authoring more empowering and constructive stories. Couples, family members, or friends can redefine their narrative by emphasizing strengths and successes, thereby creating a more positive and hopeful outlook on their relationship.

For example, a husband might feel inadequate due to past emotional wounds from his family and current financial stress. This narrative can cast a long shadow over his relationship with his wife, leading to irritability and insecurity, especially during discussions about finances. He might misinterpret his wife’s genuine attempts to address their financial situation as accusations of mistrust and irresponsibility. By examining the narrative he holds about himself and his wife, understanding its origins, and then creating a new perspective that recognizes both his and his wife’s identity as God's beloved, he can improve his self-perception and enhance how he relates to his wife. This transformation contributes to healthier conflict resolution in their relationship.

Drawing from Scripture

Incorporating principles from Scripture can further enrich the process of transforming relationships. These principles provide a foundation of love, forgiveness, and hope, which are essential for healthy relationships.

Recognizing Our Brokenness: According to Scripture, all humans are born with a sinful nature (Romans 3:23). Recognizing that everyone, including ourselves, is inherently flawed can foster humility and compassion in our relationships.

Seeing Each Other as God Sees Us: The Bible teaches that we are all children of God and deeply loved by Him (1 John 3:1). This perspective encourages us to view our loved ones as valuable and worthy of love and respect. Understanding that God loves each of us immensely can help us to extend that same love and respect to others, regardless of their flaws.

Forgiveness and Grace: We are called to forgive others as God has forgiven us, which emphasizes extending grace to one another, understanding that everyone makes mistakes and that redemption is always possible (Ephesians 4:32).

Promises of Transformation: By focusing on God's promises and the new life found in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), couples, families, and friends can rewrite their stories with confidence in the positive changes God can bring to their relationships.

Prayer and Reflection: Incorporating prayer into the process of transforming relationships can provide guidance and strength. Reflecting on Scripture and seeking God’s wisdom can help individuals find new perspectives and solutions. "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5).

Practical Steps to Implement Transformative Narratives with Scriptural Principles

Tell Your Stories: Take time to share your individual stories with each other. Listen actively and empathetically, seeking to understand the perspectives and experiences that shape each person’s narrative.

Externalize the Problems: Practice viewing issues as external to your and your loved one’s identity. Instead of blaming each other, name the problem as something you can tackle together.

Challenge Negative Narratives: Reflect on the negative stories that dominate your thinking. Where do they come from? Are they truly reflective of your current reality? Consider how scriptural principles might provide a different perspective.

Focus on Positive Moments: Cultivate a habit of acknowledging and celebrating the positive aspects of your relationship. Intentionally recognize the talents and gifts that God has blessed your loved ones with. Reflect on the times when you overcame challenges together, allowing these moments to inspire your ongoing story.

Seek God’s Guidance: Incorporate prayer and Scripture into your reflection. Ask God for wisdom and strength to rewrite your stories in a way that honors Him and brings you closer together.

Seek Professional Guidance: If needed, consider working with a counselor or therapist. A trained professional like myself at Sandra Lee Christian Counseling can provide the tools and support necessary to navigate this transformative process.

Conclusion: The Power of Rewriting

We can profoundly enhance our relationships by transforming the stories we tell, starting with the perspective that our partners, family members, or friends are God's beloved. Externalizing problems, understanding that it's not them but the influence of the Enemy and everyone's sinful nature, and deconstructing negative narratives allow us to see challenges in a new light. Through this process, we cultivate deeper understanding, empathy, and connection with our loved ones.

This approach not only strengthens our relationships but also enriches our lives with the steadfast support and love of those we hold dear. Therefore, let us take a step back, listen to the stories with discernment, seek wisdom from God's Word, and embark on the journey of rewriting our shared narrative. In doing so, we can pave the way for a brighter, more connected future filled with grace, forgiveness, and enduring love.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

*If you have any concerns about abuse, please don’t hesitate to seek help. Visit https://www.thehotline.org for free, confidential, and 24/7 access to resources and support.

Right Vs Wrong

[Disclaimer: This blogpost is intended for couples who frequently find themselves trapped in unproductive, unhealthy communication patterns and are eager to break the cycle. Before proceeding, I want to clarify that I did not write this with the intent to address or reference any form of *abusive behavior.]

I was right… So what went wrong?

Have you ever been in an argument with your significant other where you know you are unequivocally right? Even if you were to ask anyone you both know and mutually respect, including your pastor or God, it would be undeniable that you were right. But for some reason, the outcome of the argument didn’t end the way you had hoped for. You imagined that your significant other would admit their error and apologize. I mean you were pretty convincing when you laid out the facts in excruciating detail and gave your partner the timeline of how it all unfolded. Instead, you found yourself and your partner getting louder with tempers rising to match the crescendo of the moment. Or, you saw the back of your partner’s head as they walked away angry, deflated, and completely shutting down. Or just maybe you decided to deploy the silent treatment for the rest of the week to avoid dealing with your partner.

So what went wrong even though you were right?

Here is a hard nugget of truth: Being right is not always the right thing to do in relationships. You may ask, “So you mean I should allow the bad behavior to continue?” No, that’s not what I mean at all. What I mean is that many times, we get stuck on “being right'' and, as a result, we become more insensitive, harsh, judgmental, disconnected, and stubborn. In turn, our partners become defensive and less likely to listen to our attempts to “make things right.” Ironically, it usually invites contempt, anger, sadness, and even loneliness to take root in your relationship.

So, if you find yourself at an impasse, a deadlock, going in circles with your partner about the same argument of who was right or wrong, I strongly encourage you to make the first move. You ask why you first when you are the one that is right. Because that’s the right thing to do. See what I did there? 

In all seriousness, let’s take a moment and reflect on this passage:

Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

Matthew 22:37-40 (NIV)

I know that being in a relationship isn’t always easy, especially when you find yourself alone in an argument armed with facts, data, and logic. It's tempting, even validating, to dig your heels in and proudly assert your position, as if you were the ultimate arbiter of truth.

If you're familiar with the passage above, you'll recognize that Jesus was addressing an expert of the law—an individual consumed with the pursuit of righteousness through legalism rather than embracing God’s love, grace, and mercy. However, I'm not advocating for passivity. Instead, I urge you to consider the true consequences of self-righteousness: Judgment, division, resentment, bitterness, and anger. After all, it was the self-righteous leaders who demanded Jesus's crucifixion. When we witness these negative outcomes, it becomes clear that our fixation on being right is the work of the Enemy and our own flesh.

Rather than pursuing a relentless need to prove ourselves right, I encourage you to prioritize the qualities of the Spirit and cultivate a nurturing environment for your partner by seeking understanding before demanding to be understood. Research has shown consistently that couples who practice active listening, validate each other's feelings, and demonstrate empathy are more likely to resolve conflicts constructively and experience greater relationship satisfaction over time. Let’s respond intentionally, guided by the Holy Spirit rather than succumbing to the whims of our own impulses. Remember, your partner is fearfully and wonderfully made by God (Psalm 139:14); they are not your enemy but your ally. Through fostering compassion, vulnerability, and authenticity in our interactions, we can nurture healthier and more fulfilling relationships:

But I say, walk habitually in the [Holy] Spirit [seek Him and be responsive to His guidance], and then you will certainly not carry out the desire of the sinful nature [which responds impulsively without regard for God and His precepts]. For the sinful nature has its desire which is opposed to the Spirit, and the [desire of the] Spirit opposes the sinful nature; for these [two, the sinful nature and the Spirit] are in direct opposition to each other [continually in conflict], so that you [as believers] do not [always] do whatever [good things] you want to do. But if you are guided and led by the Spirit, you are not subject to the Law. Now the practices of the sinful nature are clearly evident: they are sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality (total irresponsibility, lack of self-control), idolatry, sorcery, hostility, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions [that promote heresies], envy, drunkenness, riotous behavior, and other things like these. I warn you beforehand, just as I did previously, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature together with its passions and appetites. If we [claim to] live by the [Holy] Spirit, we must also walk by the Spirit [with personal integrity, godly character, and moral courage—our conduct empowered by the Holy Spirit]. We must not become conceited, challenging or provoking one another, envying one another.

Galatians 5:16-26 (AMP)

For two decades, I’ve witnessed beautiful transformations and breakthroughs in couples when they refocus their priorities from “being right” to first demonstrating love and grace toward one another. I hope this encourages you to take a moment to breathe and reflect the next time you find your partner and yourself stuck in this cycle. Ponder what matters most: Is it right to love or to “be right”?  

If you are experiencing obstacles in your relationship, talking to a clinically trained counselor may help. Sandra Lee Christian Counseling would love to help you process your challenges individually or as a couple. We are here to help and walk through this journey together.

*If you have any concerns about abuse, please don’t hesitate to seek help. Visit https://www.thehotline.org for free, confidential, and 24/7 access to resources and support.

www.sandraleecounseling.com