Right Vs Wrong

[Disclaimer: This blogpost is intended for couples who frequently find themselves trapped in unproductive, unhealthy communication patterns and are eager to break the cycle. Before proceeding, I want to clarify that I did not write this with the intent to address or reference any form of *abusive behavior.]

I was right… So what went wrong?

Have you ever been in an argument with your significant other where you know you are unequivocally right? Even if you were to ask anyone you both know and mutually respect, including your pastor or God, it would be undeniable that you were right. But for some reason, the outcome of the argument didn’t end the way you had hoped for. You imagined that your significant other would admit their error and apologize. I mean you were pretty convincing when you laid out the facts in excruciating detail and gave your partner the timeline of how it all unfolded. Instead, you found yourself and your partner getting louder with tempers rising to match the crescendo of the moment. Or, you saw the back of your partner’s head as they walked away angry, deflated, and completely shutting down. Or just maybe you decided to deploy the silent treatment for the rest of the week to avoid dealing with your partner.

So what went wrong even though you were right?

Here is a hard nugget of truth: Being right is not always the right thing to do in relationships. You may ask, “So you mean I should allow the bad behavior to continue?” No, that’s not what I mean at all. What I mean is that many times, we get stuck on “being right'' and, as a result, we become more insensitive, harsh, judgmental, disconnected, and stubborn. In turn, our partners become defensive and less likely to listen to our attempts to “make things right.” Ironically, it usually invites contempt, anger, sadness, and even loneliness to take root in your relationship.

So, if you find yourself at an impasse, a deadlock, going in circles with your partner about the same argument of who was right or wrong, I strongly encourage you to make the first move. You ask why you first when you are the one that is right. Because that’s the right thing to do. See what I did there? 

In all seriousness, let’s take a moment and reflect on this passage:

Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

Matthew 22:37-40 (NIV)

I know that being in a relationship isn’t always easy, especially when you find yourself alone in an argument armed with facts, data, and logic. It's tempting, even validating, to dig your heels in and proudly assert your position, as if you were the ultimate arbiter of truth.

If you're familiar with the passage above, you'll recognize that Jesus was addressing an expert of the law—an individual consumed with the pursuit of righteousness through legalism rather than embracing God’s love, grace, and mercy. However, I'm not advocating for passivity. Instead, I urge you to consider the true consequences of self-righteousness: Judgment, division, resentment, bitterness, and anger. After all, it was the self-righteous leaders who demanded Jesus's crucifixion. When we witness these negative outcomes, it becomes clear that our fixation on being right is the work of the Enemy and our own flesh.

Rather than pursuing a relentless need to prove ourselves right, I encourage you to prioritize the qualities of the Spirit and cultivate a nurturing environment for your partner by seeking understanding before demanding to be understood. Research has shown consistently that couples who practice active listening, validate each other's feelings, and demonstrate empathy are more likely to resolve conflicts constructively and experience greater relationship satisfaction over time. Let’s respond intentionally, guided by the Holy Spirit rather than succumbing to the whims of our own impulses. Remember, your partner is fearfully and wonderfully made by God (Psalm 139:14); they are not your enemy but your ally. Through fostering compassion, vulnerability, and authenticity in our interactions, we can nurture healthier and more fulfilling relationships:

But I say, walk habitually in the [Holy] Spirit [seek Him and be responsive to His guidance], and then you will certainly not carry out the desire of the sinful nature [which responds impulsively without regard for God and His precepts]. For the sinful nature has its desire which is opposed to the Spirit, and the [desire of the] Spirit opposes the sinful nature; for these [two, the sinful nature and the Spirit] are in direct opposition to each other [continually in conflict], so that you [as believers] do not [always] do whatever [good things] you want to do. But if you are guided and led by the Spirit, you are not subject to the Law. Now the practices of the sinful nature are clearly evident: they are sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality (total irresponsibility, lack of self-control), idolatry, sorcery, hostility, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions [that promote heresies], envy, drunkenness, riotous behavior, and other things like these. I warn you beforehand, just as I did previously, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature together with its passions and appetites. If we [claim to] live by the [Holy] Spirit, we must also walk by the Spirit [with personal integrity, godly character, and moral courage—our conduct empowered by the Holy Spirit]. We must not become conceited, challenging or provoking one another, envying one another.

Galatians 5:16-26 (AMP)

For two decades, I’ve witnessed beautiful transformations and breakthroughs in couples when they refocus their priorities from “being right” to first demonstrating love and grace toward one another. I hope this encourages you to take a moment to breathe and reflect the next time you find your partner and yourself stuck in this cycle. Ponder what matters most: Is it right to love or to “be right”?  

If you are experiencing obstacles in your relationship, talking to a clinically trained counselor may help. Sandra Lee Christian Counseling would love to help you process your challenges individually or as a couple. We are here to help and walk through this journey together.

*If you have any concerns about abuse, please don’t hesitate to seek help. Visit https://www.thehotline.org for free, confidential, and 24/7 access to resources and support.

www.sandraleecounseling.com